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Why It’s So Hard To Lose Someone Who Was Never Yours

Just when I accepted that things were going to be bleak, you came. You were that one person I didn’t expect to majorly turn things around for me. To be honest, I thought our first date would be our last because you were a bit quiet; which made me think you weren’t enjoying my company. Little did I know, that it was just the beginning of the happy moments that are now just memories etched in my mind.

We were total opposites but our personalities jived greatly. While you were mostly reserved, you never failed to make me feel that I was wanted. Your texts were consistent, you made sure we saw each other regularly, you constantly held my hand, and always kissed me when I arrived and before I left. I appreciated that even though we never talked about what we really were, you always made me feel special. I always marveled at the effort you put into us, and I am very grateful for all of it.

At some point I started feeling genuinely happy again. Having you in my life made me hopeful that I might have another shot at happiness.

I still had bad days, but knowing that you were there made everything bearable, because I knew I had something good to look forward to. You were my happy pill; just the thought of you in my life made me smile. Thinking about us always made me feel like everything was going to be okay, and I truly believed we were going to end up somewhere great.

But now I’m back to square one. You left me when things went glum. I can’t completely blame you because the situation was frightening, but I wish you’d stayed. I know things went insane, but I was willing to do everything in my power to keep you safe. But you made me feel as if I wasn’t worth the risk, even though I took every chance for you. I put my guard down for you in spite of my fears of being hurt, because I believed you were worth it. I also understood your fears. I know it wouldn’t have been easy, but you didn’t even give me another chance to prove that you were safe with me. You didn’t trust me enough.

Despite all this, I miss you so much. I miss your texts, the way you hold my hand every chance that you get, the way you put your arms around me while I wait for the bus or the car, your tight hugs that say everything you can’t, the way you rub your nose against mine, and the kisses that never failed to make me smile. The two months we spent together were amazing.

I know maybe that’s too short of a time to be feeling this way, but I guess this is really how it feels when you lose someone who was never really yours. You get eaten up by the what-if’s and the what-could-have-been’s.

You will always be left wondering how things would have gone had the situation been different.

It’s difficult to get used to days without you again. I wanted more time with you, I wanted more memories with you, but now I just have to be content with what we had. I still hope you’ll come back and take a chance on me, but I know it’s all just wishful thinking at this point. It hurts so badly, but I still want to thank you for everything. Thank you for making me see that I can still be happy again. Thank you for making me feel special. Thank you for the opportunity to be with someone as wonderful as you. I never thought I’d get this chance again but now I know, there are still good guys left in this world.

So I guess there’s nothing else to do but to move on. It’s going to be a rough road ahead, and there will be times when I will stumble and fall, but I’ll have to force myself to keep moving. I have to believe that somewhere, there is that one man who will be brave enough to climb my walls, take my hand, and never let it go, no matter what obstacles we’ll have to go through. It’s hard but I have to keep the faith that somehow, everything will fall into its place. 

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